|
FULL OF EASTERN PROMISE - OR WHAT? In recent years so-called ‘martial arts’ exponents have featured in numerous (mostly American or Hong Kong) films and TV series. With affected humility and lissom grace they saunter through highly implausible plots, dispensing snippets of oriental wisdom(?) and philanthropy at one moment and exploding into violent combat with ferociously grimacing villains the next , before receding into the sunset and their next demonstration of what one cartoon defines as ‘Hong Kong phooey’. Inspired by such fables, ‘martial arts’ classes and clubs have proliferated , with all manner of insecure people enlisting to acquire more self-confidence , intimidate possible assailants, settle old scores or just show off now and then to gullible people. The more pretentious are not content with badges denoting proficiency in stylized violence; they seek to surround themselves with an aura of oriental mysticism. When practicing their skills they wear long black skirts or baggy trousers and ill-fitting jackets; they perform quaint rituals, adopt Japanese terminology for their techniques and spout a curious mish-mash of California Zen, Yoga and psycho-babble. They also publish numerous books which contain the following features in varying proportions:
They have obvious appeal for gullible youngsters, feminists, ethnic minorities, aggressive homosexuals and immature exhibitionists, many of whom entertain vengeful fantasies in which they regain self-esteem by humbling people to whom they ordinarily feel inferior. The typical martial arts film will, for example, show an American negro easily incapacitating several ‘red-necks’ or ‘honky’ police officers; or else some lissom female(also frequently black or oriental) kicking or hurling burly male assailants all over the place. Such fantasies may provide a kind of therapy for social malcontents, but have little if any relationship to the exigencies and practicalities of everyday life. What all the martial arts publications have to say about the practical business of defending yourself against typical forms of assault could be printed on two sides of A4 paper and taught in the space of half a dozen practical demonstrations. The acquisition of ‘belts’ denoting proficiency might just keep your pants up outside the gymnasium but will achieve very little else in the real world of random and unstylized violence. Contrary to what many exponents claim, there are no secret oriental skills guaranteed to instantly control or subdue physically stronger adversaries. (Note, for example, that burly Westerners commonly excel in international martial arts contests) Outside the film and TV sets, you won’t find any burly villains felled by pirouetting bimbos or relatively puny oriental gymnasts. It obviously makes good cinema, but all those spectacular leaps, spins and chin-high kicks are pure choreography, not realistic self-defence tactics. The difference is every bit as great as that between operatic scenarios and everyday social intercourse. Depend upon it, a high-velocity jab to the face or midriff will incapacitate almost any martial arts exponent you care to name; as will a shin-kick plus hard shove or grabbed crotch. Life is crude like that; ask any veteran nightclub ‘bouncer’ or seasoned soldier. Which just leaves us with those Western poseurs affecting reverence for Japanese warrior traditions and associated mystical fragrancies; they seem wilfully blind to the frightful atrocities perpetrated by Japanese forces in the Pacific theatre of war. So much for Samurai chivalry and harmonising with the universe then; that ‘ki’ stuff has brought a lot of grief. As Principal of the Faculty of Metacrapology I expect no special form of address, demand no fees, give no demonstrations and claim no secret knowledge. If I have any mission in life it is to liberate the gullible from exploitation by the predatory, pretentious, parasitical and greedy. The only enlightenment you can get from me is the recommendation that you open your eyes, collect your wits, exercise prudence and commonsense, and keep a tight grip on your wallet. Graduates of the Faculty are all too few, but exercise a catalytic effect on the rest of society. At the other extreme we award many honorary degrees in Crapology to individuals obviously deserving recognition as outstanding exponents of tauro-faecal tyranny, moral and intellectual fatuity and sheer humbug. The Who’s Who of such individuals already runs to several weighty volumes, and it should certainly be apparent by now that they include many martial arts poseurs along with other dispensers of oriental mystique. And all the ‘ki’ in the world wont get them out of there. F Kimbal Johnson January 2007
|